*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
You Might Also Like
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Has science gone too far?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING