Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business