Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
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*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it