Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.