“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Bit chilly again tonight.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.