“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.