@KattieCO_H: "Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me." -My toilet
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@jwoodham: Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
@Mr_Kapowski: "Will you marry me?" "The cookie was poison" "The lotto numbers will never win" Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
@coIIegestudentz: College parties are great: You're taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
@david8hughes: [calls 911] Me: my wife's been bitten by a snake Operator: ok, suck the poison out Me [whispering]: dude there'll be nothing left of her