[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Florida be like…
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–