Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.