SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
that colleague who touches your screen
Well, this certainly took a turn
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.