Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.