Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul