Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow