Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.