Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.