Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I think they could have phrased this better
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.