Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
💁🏻♂️
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.