*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRĂ–DINGER: give me both at the same time
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it