Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
#SaturdayBears
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting