Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business