I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist