A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*