He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
See..?
.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Ghost costume 😂
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…