Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
bought wrong eggs
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
called in thicc to work this morning
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.