Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?