sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
When I said I liked it rough.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
😩😩😩
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long