To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.