Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I want this so bad
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.