Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The Birdles
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…