Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]