@danguterman: Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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@ch000ch: a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say "they've escaped. don't run. just walk very fast."
@dafloydsta: [on unemployment] WIFE: So what'd you do all day? [the dog walks by dressed as a spider] ME: Looked for a job
@skylerhanrath: [pirate ship] Pirate: Walk the plank Me: *struts down like nobody's business* Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you're one of us now
@AnOrangeSNES: In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious