[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Lassie, get help!
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.