[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
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satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
👾👾👾
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.