[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”