[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
(Electricians.)
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
No. He’s not coming out to play
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?