@djdarrellripley: (Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn't giggle once...
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@WilliamAder: I don't think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, "Where are your pants?"
@LoneWolfStories: It's like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.
@murrman5: *catches frisbee* "this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don't take staff meetings seriously"
@WrongPandas: [at funeral] Me: "I'm sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice" Widow: "please no.... Me: "you have my gondolances"