Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.