20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
buys donuts instead
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.