Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
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Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose