(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I would move hell over six inches for you
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you