(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday