(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
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I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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