@Reverend_Scott: girlfriend: we need to talk me: ok what's up girlfriend: I'm pregnant me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S MY FAULT TOO

@Fred_Delicious: **You're through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops** [smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified? Tomato: No.

@jackie_ibbyxo: If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@naderdagher: If he pauses a video game to text you, he's probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,