@JoParkerBear: America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

@WheelTod: Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

@MooseAllain: "I've built a model of Mount Everest" "Is that to scale?" "No, just to look at"

@mrtruthandsoul: Nice try "Enjoy By" date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

@HuffPostComedy: 10 anti-Valentine's Day cards that are perfect for your ex