sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
So sick of all these stupid rules
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Rooting for the overdog