sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense