Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Saturday
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.