@blaudiablogan: Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
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@MrsJekyllsHyde: Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
@samalmightysam: Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window.
@robesman: in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i'm leaving
@murrman5: [the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up] *looks at driving test instructor* "finally"