@blaudiablogan: Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
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@omgthatspunny: This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
@SteveSuckington: [high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
@Lisa_Bizzle: Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say "Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?" And he can, he can hold them all.
@nbadag: TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too! HERMIT CRAB: i do. where'd you find yours? T: i was born with it HC: *scoff* ok princess