@blaudiablogan: Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
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@batkaren: I'm on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
@SatansTongue: 6th grade nurse: do you play baseball Me: uhh why Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than- Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.