Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
that colleague who touches your screen
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Lmao
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back