Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.