Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Owl Sanctuary
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it