[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
the short answer to this question
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.