*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
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Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Somebody’s lying.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
yeah no that’s fair
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.