{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
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If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?