[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
You Might Also Like
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
When you’ve simply given up.